Wednesday, 24 February 2010

John and Ashleys New Hobby

Scandal had befallen John and Ashley of late. Their boss had a tricky problem. How to keep them out of trouble and away from floozies? All the usual options were considered- but ruled out-after all it is difficult to perform a lobotomy if there is no brain present in the first place.
But their canny boss came up with a new idea! crochet!
Their new hobby was a success until the boss man realised they were making their strips in the wrong colours! doh! Their efforts were hurriedly disposed of to us before another scandal could break.

Two strips of crochet, red and white acrylic, shell stitch. What will you make with them?

What Happens When You Eat Too Many Marshmellows...

Bleuurgghhh.........Deirdre had done it again. She had had an argument with Ken over his refusal to wear the jumper she had lovingly made for him. So she did what Deirdre always does in a crisis- (apart from sleep with slimy Mike in his Ford Fiesta) -she gorged herself on pink marsh mellows.
The next day ,in a typically surrealist move ,Deirdre vomited up these baby sized and cardigan shaped pieces of pink acrylic.

Do you have a pink passion? Are you in desperate need of marsh mellow comfort but fear the consequences? why not give a home to this knitting!

How to be a Fairy

Gladys wanted to be a fairy. She had wanted to be one ever since she could remember.And just because she was 36 the desire still did not stop.
Luckily her grandmother understood her dream-she after all had been a fairy in her youth, wowing them at Blackpool with her wand action.
This kindly grandmother set about knitting a fairy outfit for her granddaughter using the very suitable and slightly sparkly Tinkerbell yarn from Wendy!
Alas Gladys' grandmother had not seen Gladys for many years , ever since she had been locked up in Broadmoor High Security prison for insanity and rather underestimated Gladys height and width.

Do you know a fairy that needs a (small) outfit ? we have a sleeve, back and part of the front, with lace pattern,plus the remainder of the original yarn.

Colonel Mustard's Hot Date

Colonel Mustard had hot date! Miss Scarlet was his kind of woman, the type that could crack a Brazil nut with her bare thighs.
Colonel Mustard liked to dress as his name- always in the colour mustard. For his hot date he instructed his housekeeper/general dogsbody Mrs Peacock to make him a new suit of the finest cloth, in mustard obviously.
Now Mrs Peacock was very fed up. She had worked for Colonel Mustard for the last 30 years without a pay rise.And she was jealous of Miss Scarlett and her red sandals.
Mrs Peacock began to make a knitted suit so vile that it would be sure to make Miss Scarlett run screaming in horror! However before she had a chance to finish it Colonel Mustard was arrested for the murder of Reverend Green, most probably framed by Miss Scarlett herself.
Mrs Peacock , before departing for a world cruise, deposited the fragments of the suit with us.

Do you like mustard? do you have someone you dislike intensely? this could be the project for you!
Mustard colour cotton, with a cute repeated purl stitch on knitted background, looks like a back , two sleeves and maybe part of a front. Baby or doll sized.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Karl and the Missing Slippers

Karl liked slippers alot. There is nothing like it, after a hard day deciding what the wealthy should wear next season, to slip ones tired feet into a pair of giant monkey slippers. Naturally Karl had an assistant to organise his slippers. This highly coveted post was only open to applicants after seven years working as his underpants assistant. When news of a vacancy was announced there was great excitement in Paris.
A queue formed around the block on the day of the interviews. Unknown to Karl, John from Dior was cunningly disguised in the queue as a chimney sweep and had mischievous plans afoot.
That night poor Karl discovered a space where his favourite slippers, should be. In its place was a strip of unfinished knitting, white acrylic, feather and fan stitch. The yarn end trailed away, with a note instructing the finder to follow the trail to find the slippers. Unfortunately the trail ran cold when it emerged some tidy person had seen the strand , and thinking it waste, cut it, and binned it. Karl never found his favourite slippers.

Blanket of Doom

Audrey was having a run of bad luck. First of all her box of Cadbury's Roses had no Caramel Barrels! Terrible! Then , whilst out jogging, in an effort to burn off the calories she had just consumed, the cold air went up her nose and made her eyes water! Appalling! Next she discovered that she could not get last weeks episode of Holby City on her TV catch up service! Disastrous! The final straw came when trying to cut a piece of sellotape, the sellotape stuck to the scissors! Calamity! Audrey decided quite rationally that there can only be one explanation for this current misfortune-she had accidentally crocheted a blanket of doom! aaargghhh!
Now there are some people who do not believe in such things but Audrey had BTEC National Diploma in Pottery and was confident of her natural instincts.
Audrey kindly sent the blanket of doom to us-if we were the type to worry about such things we would be rather offended by a blatant attempt to pass doom onto another being but , we are not, so we are not.
Lovely Filet Crochet blanket in yellow acrylic.

Begonia's Legs

Begonia loved to listen to Jarvis Cocker on the radio. His soothing tones increased her milk yield no end. Soon she became the most famous Jersey cow in all of Surbiton.
Farmer McDonald was (naturally) inundated with offers of work on her behalf. Begonia turned most of these offers down (including Celebrity Udder on Ice !) rather to Farmer McDonalds disappointment.
However Begonias ears pricked up and her tail swished at one idea-her own exercise video for dairy cows! Preparations were soon underway and everyone at the farm pitched in, including the farmers wife who started to make Begonia some striped leg warmers. Mrs McDonald, unfortunately , had a bit too much sherry trifle and accidentally started knitting a babys cardigan pattern. She tried to put them on Begonias legs but alas, they were either too small or too big.

Can you finish the cardigan? or do you know someone with four odd-shaped legs?if so contact us!
Knitted in pink and cream acrylic.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Sandra's Grand Scheme

Sandra had a grand scheme.She would win Miss Knit 1984 with a skirt the like of which the world had never seen. Fame, fortune and a time-share villa in Belguim would soon be hers!
Sadly it was not to be.The world was not yet ready for turqouise acrylic rib and open work ruffles, which , like Sandra, had alot of front, but no back. And was the size of a glove.

Can you complete this item and turn it into the winner it was destined to be?

Quentin Tarantino's Bad Hair Day

Alas poor Quentin Tarantino. His new film about the violent underbelly that is the KnitWorkers Guild was not going well.Samuel L Jackson was not taking to long-tail cast on at all well and to cap it all Beryl, the on set hairdresser had ruined his hair when she slipped on a banana. Luckily, Doris from Wardrobe rustled up a yellow crochet doily for Quentin to wear rakishly on his head. It worked a treat but is now surplus to requirements and needs a new career and a new home.
Are you that person?

Patience and the Disappearing Patience

Patience was cruelly named, for she never had much Patience. This can be a problem if you are a knitter but Patience had cleverly worked out a strategy. She decided only to knit small, random items. This worked well until she grew bored of knitting and decided to take up table-tennis.

Here are the fruits of Patience's exertions.We have two peach acrylic rectangles, one white and pink acrylic square (possibly the back of a sweater), and most interestingly of all , a light pink and dark pink (again acrylic) concoction which could possibly be a very small trouser suit (very Spring/Summer 2010 ).

A long attention span is not required to transform these items.What could they be? Dolls and small babies apply here!

Dismembered Dolly

Norman loved his mother very much.....perhaps too much.....his girlfriend Janet certainly thought so. She became even more concerned when, after cleaning out his freezer,she found-gasp!-what a can only be described as knitted body parts....was it a doll his mother gave him? or was it his mother who was very very small? and made of pink acrylic ?Janet did not know and decided to send these items to us.
Do you think you can make this items come alive? Are you the person to make something beautiful out of something frankly rather disturbing?

(Janet decided not to dump Norman-she was after all now at an age where she was officially considered a spinster and did not want to go to another party on her own. She never did.)